I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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