We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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