I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
