i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
