So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
