just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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