i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
