My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
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