I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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