My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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