it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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