Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
