I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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