I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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