I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
