mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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