Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
