Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
