She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Pooping to opera.
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