and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
