i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
They have beer where we have blood.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
