As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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