Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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