i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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