did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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