I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
