i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
