i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
