Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
