I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
