if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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