my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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