I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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