When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
