After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Dick very happy bro
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
