Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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