Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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