She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
