My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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