Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
