I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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