I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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