Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
