my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
