if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
