I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
