I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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