I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
