Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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