my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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