Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
