I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
