that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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