I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
