Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
