i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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