So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
