I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
